A Voice in an Invisible World • by Crystal Marie Neubauer

In a nutshell, more socially acceptable explanation kind of way, I usually tell people I quit my job two years ago to pursue my career as an artist. I didn’t have a plan, any money in the bank, a sure sense of direction, or much in the way of support. I just took the plunge in what is often applauded by others as a gutsy risk-taking move that they envy.

But the truth is I crashed. The very end of my people-pleasing, care-taking, codependent nature had been reached and I was left with a shattered version of my world with no idea what the future held for me. In all reality I was dealing with a breakdown in which I had trouble with the most basic get-out-of-bed-brush-your-teeth-and-hair kind of self-care, let alone formulate any sort of plan for a career as an artist. But in the midst of this rock bottom place art was a tool that helped save me.

Art as a Meditative Tool
Looking back over the years of my life I now see a pattern of how art was a tool that saved me and allowed me to have a voice in a world where I felt invisible. It was in the seeds of my childhood that art became my lifeline. There was my third-grade year spent with the most encouraging nurturing teacher ever, who allowed my friends and I to put on spontaneous performances for the entire class while she laughed and clapped and showered us with approval. Another time, in the midst of my worst year in grade school, I won the all-school art contest for the cover of the PTA program — I remember that feeling of approval again while walking to the front of the class to accept my award, $5 in McDonald’s gift certificates. And then there were the high school years where I just didn’t seem to fit in anywhere but the art room.

They say there is a set of rules learned in families of alcoholics: “Don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel.” This very much sums up where I was and how I came to be in that place of breaking down a few years ago. Years of tuning out my feelings, not trusting my own sense of self, and certainly not knowing how to put words to my emotions. In the past two years I have come to understand so much about myself and gone through many changes emotionally, relationally, spiritually, and artistically. At times the journey has been slow and painful, but also so rewarding. One of the most important pieces to the healing process has been the use of art as a meditative tool. I’ve learned to get in touch with my feelings and put a voice to them where I had no words to express myself before.

Learn to Trust your Voice
Artist Makoto Fujimura calls abstract art a “heavenly language.” This resonates with me as I sit in front of my pile of scraps and begin to piece together a collage, intuitively moving pieces and gluing them in total silence. My mind isn’t speaking, but my soul is, and when I sit back and look at a finished work I see connections in what appeared to be random scraps. I hear the story, my story, speaking and I learn to trust myself a little more each time I go through this process.

I’ve come to be so passionate about this tool art has offered to save that this year I made the decision to return to school to pursue a career as an Art Therapist. It may sound cliché, but in all sincerity if I can help just one other person to learn to trust their own voice and express their feelings more clearly then my own journey will have been well worth it.

To learn more about Crystal Marie Neubauer, visit her blog at otherpeoplesflowers.blogspot.com.

Comments

[linda]

Beautiful collage work - I love the romantic, history-filled feeling your work invokes. And even if it's cliché, it's so true that helping even one person makes it all worth it...good luck on your endeavor!

[Barbara Lewis]

Crystal, I feel your pain, having come from a home with an alcoholic father. But I don't know that I could express my feelings as well as you have expressed yours. The meditative quality of art is what drew me in. I remember in my painting and drawing classes how I could lose myself and the constant chatter that seemed to be going on in my head. Thank God for those teachers who encourage us and the little rewards we experience along the way. If it were not for them ... I'm glad you continued with your art, because we are all the recipients of your fabulous creativity!

[Judy Wilkenfeld]

Brilliant writing Crystal. Love your unabashed honesty. What a refreshing article to read.

[Tracie Lyn Huskamp]

Crystal... you are an inspiration for all those living through the nightmare of alcoholism!

[Jan Avellana]

crystal! love how you say, "I hear the story, my story, speaking and I learn to trust myself a little more each time I go through this process." i think i do this too...thank you for putting words to feelings and groans i possess but do not have words for. you are an inspiration and a light in the darkness...

[Deryn Mentock]

As always, you're a blessing, Crystal!

[Cindy Forrester]

Crystal...your work has been an inspiration to me too, now I know why we have that connection!!! I am so glad you have shared your story and it is totally awesome that you are pursuing your degree so that you can help others thru Art Therapy...you will be a wonderful teacher!!!

xoxox Cindy

[Mary Beth]

Crystal - your writing is just as gifted as your art. I adore your honesty. I have a feeling you are going to be fine. In the best sense of that word, you know what I mean? You will make a terrific art therapist.

[diane cook]

Crystal~
I appreciate your candor and truly understand your story. Even though I was not raised in an alcoholic family, my mother was, and I am sure some of my traits were learned from her.
You are a blessing, and I wish you all the best in your newest endeavor. God's hand is surely on your life my friend =)

[Crystal Neubauer]

Thank-you all so much. I sit here reading your comments, women who I know and admire so much and talented artists who I am just discovering and making connections with and I am truly amazingly grateful!
Crystal

[Skye Daniels]

I am so grateful that art has given you the voice & the vision to seek & find your deepest truest self.
You are truly a gift, Crystal!

[miz katie]

Crystal, I have been admiring your work ever since we became FB friends. I didn't know your story, until now. I must say I have even greater respect for you and the work you do. Thank you for sharing, and being so honest.

[suzi blu]

The most interesting stories are not ones in which people have gone to hell, but those that have went there and came back. It is so important to hear stories like this - that tell the truth of the soul crashing instead of how we are always supposed to look all-together. For those that crash we think we are alone but its overwhelming how many of us there are. But hitting that wall is what some of us, growing up in dysfunctional families, have to do. We just don't 'get it' until we stop everything and go within. I feel the isolation and pain and hopelessness of being in your bed unable to attend to yourself. Then to find a 'heavenly language' and a reason to be excited about life. Very powerful story. xoxo

[Teresa]

Thank you for telling your story. It's wonderful how the Lord can take something that is broken and put it back together so beautifully.

[Ellen]

Crystal, I am so glad you found your voice and now are working on using it to help others! Such a wonderful way to use your
gift! Creating from the heART, is the only way we can heal
our broken souls~

[Jan Thomason]

well, my sweet friend, you've rocked my world.
you write as well as you create and that's not all that odd as both are art simply in different ways.
i am so glad that we have become friends - you know how dear you are to me and though i've known some of your (our mutual) struggles, the struggles of your young life i was not aware of - it took a lot of strength to share that with all of us.

you are a blessing, not only to me but to everyone who is touched by this article, by you as a child of God and by your art.

i love you, jan