Finding my Authentic Self • by Kathryn Antyr

Art saved me.
Art gave me a voice.
Art gave me a safe place to explore my feelings and dreams.
Art gave me confidence.
Art revealed my authentic self.

A Tale of Lost & Found
My ART SAVES story is a tale of lost and found. As a small child I was full of wonder and creativity. My room would pile up with scraps of paper for I loved to cut up those massive JCPenney and Sears catalogs to make my own paper dolls. I have fond memories of sitting at the dining room table watching my mom twirl frosting on a pin with grace as petal after petal emerged to form beautiful flowers. It was like magic. I sat eating a miniature cake my mom had frosted for me as I watched her form neat rows of flowers lined up on wax paper. My summer visits to my Nana’s house were filled with crafty projects from macrame hangers to Christmas trees made of stout white pipe cleaners. Though these projects were kitschy and not the stuff of serious artists, they taught me how ordinary materials could be combined to make something new. At the age of 9, I studied drawing from a local cartoonist. These lessons taught me some of the basic elements of design including line, shape, and texture along with perspective and shading.

My creative pursuits and talents were not regarded by my family as marketable and I was encouraged to pursue anything that was “practical.” A year after graduating from college with a degree in computer science and business, I felt restless. I moved across the country from New Hampshire to Colorado, where I would spend the next 12 years. I was what Julia Cameron describes as a shadow artist. I loved beautiful things, museums, and so forth but didn’t believe that I could ever be a real artist. I couldn’t draw or paint and I didn’t go to school for art. Over time I stopped visiting museums and I believed it was selfish to want pretty things.

From the Student to the Teacher
The artist within me woke up one day when I saw that a basic design class was offered at the local college. Each lesson and project was based on the elements and principles of design. I felt so exhilarated by what I was learning and began noticing line, shape, texture, color, and type in everything around me. I made observations on what I thought worked and why. I’ll never forget my teacher calling me “brilliant.” Her words lifted me up. When I sat in class I thought about how I would teach the material. Little did I know at the time that six months later I would be offered a teaching job as a high school graphic design teacher. I took the structure of that basic course and spread it out and developed a curriculum that explored each element and principle in further depth. I devoured books on visual literacy. After two years my spouse was unhappy and we moved. This sudden change in plans was difficult, as I wanted to continue developing what I had started. Moving forward I knew that my work had to include art in some way. Within six months of the move, I started a Web design business and for five years worked on over 50 projects.

My Breaking Point
Twelve years in an unhealthy marriage caught up and I hit a breaking point. Although I had created work that used my creativity, I was miserable. I dove into my work because this is where I felt appreciated. I moved back to my home state with my 8-year-old son and began a new life. I said good-bye to my design business and my small mountain town lifestyle. “Could I make it on my own?” The transition was very difficult. I remember a period when I would sob uncontrollably for I touched down to my core and felt just how deep the well of sorrow and loss goes. I reconnected with a dear friend of mine, who reminded me of who I had been 12 years earlier. I had forgotten my love for museums, a beautifully set table, and creative cooking.

I bought some paints to work on a project that I saw on the Artchix Web site. The feel of brushing paint on the canvas and stamping ink onto it felt so good. I found myself staying up late at night after putting my son to bed. I began collecting papers and art supplies and experimented with collage and mixed-media. Two years ago I discovered blogging, which combined my skills in photography and Web design. My initial posts were dry. I scanned a piece and didn’t really know what to say. I kept at it and in a short time the words came flowing out. My projects and posts shifted from making pretty things to exploring my authentic self. People from all over the world left encouraging comments and could identify with my journey. Six months of blogging and I found myself publishing free art journaling prompts. After a year of blogging, I started a new blog called True North Arts, where I continued with the free prompts but added some online workshops that focus on creating a vision for one’s life, taking time for personal retreats, and exploring one’s own stories. What started out as a means to find a direction in my life, became an opportunity to share my story and show others the way.

Art saved me.
Art gave me a voice.
Art gave me a safe place to explore my feelings and dreams.
Art gave me confidence.
Art revealed my authentic self.

Sharing my Experiences
The next year for True North Arts will be focused on further developing the storytelling and collage workshop. I feel so alive by the process of working intuitively with collage to explore our own stories. In the course of eight weeks, participants follow the hero’s journey, a model for looking within, letting go of outdated beliefs, and discovering and celebrating their authentic self. I’m so energized by how this process has helped me and I’m eager to share it with others. I’ve been so lucky to witness how this workshop has been a transformative experience for the participants. It has taken me most of my life to discover that I was an artist and a teacher. Who would have thought that I would be cutting and gluing paper just as I did when I was a young girl?

Learn more about Kathryn Antyr at collagediva.com, her personal blog where you’ll find her latest experiments in collage making, journal keeping, photographing, and Japanese flower arranging. Also visit truenortharts.com where you’ll find affordable online workshops and monthly art projects that focus on your personal journey. Also find her on Facebook as collagediva or on Twitter as truenortharts.

Comments

[linda]

Love what you mentioned about being shadow artist...I think many can relate to that feeling in life. Thank you for sharing your story, inspiring always and helping so many find their voice :)

[Jennifer]

Thanks for sharing your personal story Kathryn!
It always helps me (and many many others, I'm certain) to know that I'm not alone... in the pain,the struggle or the getting lost along the way.

[Melissa Bolton]

A beautiful story about finding your authentic self. Nothing is more important than that. Glad you shared your story with us all.

[Mary]

Kathryn - Your Vision Journaling workshop has helped me so much and I am still discovering things as I revisit the lessons. You truly have a gift that you are sharing with others. It was a pleasure to read your Art Saves story here on Crescendoh. We are all interconnected.

[Carol Weiler]

Sometimes we have to take many detours to find our authentic selves-thankyou for sharing your story.

[Keri]

This is a great article. Thank you for posting it.

[Susan Houseman]

I love that your creative spirit was awakened by a basic design class and the encouragement of your teacher. Those simple but positive words from a teacher can move us forward with confidence. Thanks for pass it on.

[Ellen]

I found your story very moving and actually felt like I have
lived some of it. The first memories with your Mom and the pretty details;later college choice due to family's influence and feeling lost. When I think back now, reading your hestroy
(your history)I, too have had a lot of detours. I am thrilled you found your way! It is all about the journey, not the destination~ I am happy your explorations allowed you to pass
the message to others; Art Saves.

[Barbara Malty]

I enjoyed reading your story - last year I was thinking about artful blogging and if it was right for me, and using my art to talk about my childhood and the struggles of my life in finding my true authentic self, I thought maybe people would think that was a negative way to express my art. You've shown me that there is no right or wrong in art, that it is what it is, and that we all express ourselves differently. Thank you so much. I am going to check out your classes and blog.

[amateur-in-art]

Kathryn - I don't know how I missed this post - but I'm glad to learn more about your art journey. I've been a long-time follower of your Diva blog - but never really knew what all came before it. Thank you.

You are ALWAYS an inspiration! Thank you.