The Bottle Opens at Last • by Lisa Kaus

PARTIAL BLOG POST: www.lisakaus.blogspot.com •
March 23, 2010

“Time in a bottle,” all of our cerebral fragments and memories each in its own separate bottles captured in time. This is how I feel, at least today. Sometimes we long to freeze those moments and make them last forever. Other times, we want to hide ourselves within or deepest corners hoping for time to pass or some event to give way to another ...

That’s what my story is about ...

My life has always been blessed with very fond memories of childhood, a wonderful family, and successful career. But this thing that happened to me, which I refer to in the blog post on March 23, took place 26 years ago. It happened during a casual evening out with someone I had known and trusted. However my mind keeps racing back to how much I did not want to be there. I was completely coherent yet everything seemed like a bad dream at the time.

This thing that happened ... I hid it in the deepest corner of my mind and encased it in its own little bottle and did not let it out. That is, until recently.

Twenty six years ago, I don’t think I ever really even considered the concept of date rape. It’s a concept that most people take lightly or set aside, but its real, traumatic, and it happens, all too frequently. And though I know now, years later, after putting all the pieces together, that it is what happened to me. I tried to believe that it was something that couldn’t have ever happened to me, but it did, and I survived.

TURN OF EVENTS
It was through a recent turn of events and a series of workshops I was getting ready for that triggered such a strong emotional response, where I found myself saying over and over, “Why am I feeling these emotions now after so many years later?” Emotions of anger, denial, and sadness were triggered so intensely that they left me grasping to find something to hold onto, so that I could survive the turmoil that was going on in my head.

Thankfully, I think the acute turmoil has settled ... and now at 42, I find myself going through all the steps of grief that people go through when there has been a loss in their life. I look back and think about the innocence that had been mine before that terrible night. But the thing is, innocence is so fleeting. It’s something we as adults know but when we’re young, we don’t fully appreciate the value of. Because once it’s gone, it’s gone.

I think when I was younger and naïve and in the thick of being a teenager, a little bit of denial set in and a good dose of “just get on and deal with it” kicked in after what took place. In retrospect, I know spent many years on a subconscious level dealing with the aftermath.

WHAT WE TRULY SEEK
The workshops that I had been preparing for when all of this had surfaced were for the upcoming Silver Bella event, hosted by Teresa McFayden. I really felt that merging the workshops and my creative healing would give me an extraordinary way to bring together my work and sharing in the creative process with other women. Art making and sharing in these two workshops will allow me to see the truth and beauty within myself and my ability to share far beyond that.

As a national instructor for the last five or six years, I have sensed over and over that so many women come to experience workshops far beyond learning a new technique or painting a pretty picture. They come to workshops to share, play and heal their souls with other women. They come to find community. I have heard countless stories of courageous faith, love, loss, and hope shared by women of all backgrounds, and on some level, art has been the solid constant in their lives regardless of their artistic expertise.

MY THOUGHTS, MY WORDS, MY COLORS
As a painter and mixed media artist for 20 years, until recently I never considered my art to have any art-saving value for me, even though I have used it as a vehicle throughout the years, for getting through difficult times in the past. This is especially true with pieces that have had more of a serious element to them. Looking back though, I realize, it has been there all along in my work — in my thoughts, in my words, in my colors.

My work has been described as whimsical, colorful, edgy, different, and authentic. I wonder whether descriptions of my work are actually a description of me. Maybe. It definitely gives us all food for thought in our art-making. I like the word “authentic” the best. Authentic is what we should all aspire to be — true to ourselves in all our diverse walks of life. Art has always been there in my life and I thank God every day for that. Peace.

NOTE: Date rape happens. But we can help prevent it by raising awareness. This link provides prevention tips, and resources that may help victims recover. I hope you’ll pass it along. http://www.ywca.org/site/pp.asp?c=djISI6PIKpG&b=297535

Comments

[~lela]

Thank you so much for sharing your story and your art, Lisa. Your work has been such an inspiration to me since I came across is some time ago. Seeing the healing power of art in your work (and others) is so encouraging and sparks a feeling of hope during difficult times. I would love to meet you one day and share some art making and healing. xoxo ~lela

[Gina Bentley]

I thank you for opening up such a difficult chapter of your life to all of us. To those of us who've experienced something similar, you have offered hope and encouragement of a better tomorrow. I was in the Gridlocked class in the Portland Art & Soul event last year and you thought me a lot. Your smile soothes, your art inspires :)

[Linda Plaisted]

Xx and much love to you, Lisa. Thank you for your courage in speaking out.

[linda]

Thank you for sharing your story and you are right that date rape is a serious issue...it's wonderful that you are promoting more awareness by sharing your thoughts. I also agree that the word authentic is the best...it's definitely a great aspiration, to be true to ourselves most importantly :)

[Bevie2u]

Hi Lisa, I too had a date rape experience...and as you hid it from myself for way too many years. I guess the main reason was I thought it was my fault. Finally I realized it wasn't and if God could continue to love me then I needed to face it and put it where it belonged...in the past. I appreciate you and your work dear..Blessings!!!
Bevie

[Linda Penny]

Thank you Lisa for being so brave to share your story. I know how hard it is to do especially in such a public way. It's proof to us all that it can be done and we will all learn and grow from it. Your words and art are an inspiration to me. Thank you.

Linda

[Marilyn Williams]

Like all the above readers, I was also touched by your honesty and can relate to healing through the arts. Besides painting, I also write poetry, and one assignment was to tap into your most reoccuring memories since they will have the most emotional content. Little did I know it would open a Pandora's box. Years ago there weren't talk shows and magazines to instruct on date rape...or child abuse. I look at art and poetry as a way of "making things perfectly how I want them." I love imagination and know that as a child that was my protection when I couldn't bear the world. The world at least has a stigma against child abuse but unfortunately, in this day and age, date rape is on the rise...and unless you are killed or physically hurt, most rapists get away with their word against yours. It's a different world. Thanks for bringing such sunshine!

[Karen Burns]

That's the think about keeping it all inside, is that from the outside no one knows what others have been through. I was in your gridlocked class at Art & Soul in Las Vegas and I truly enjoyed meeting you and playing in your class for a day. I believe that we do put ourselves in our work and sometimes we are surprised at the feelings and memories it brings. Your work is authentic, for sure!

Much love and many hugs,
Karen

[Ida]

Dear Lisa - I have admired your work for quite some time now. Many of your pieces make me smile. After reading your article and your perspective on how "art saves", I can gleen that it is your art that defines you and not your trauma. Like you, I have sought the therapeutic nature of art and ended up gaining so much more than even that and that is BIG. I created a studio in a spare room and it is my sanctuary. My trauma(s) are different than yours but, nonetheless, grieving and healing were required. Art has always been an opportunity to reflect and grow whether is was my own or someone else's. Texture, color, glue, paint are remarkable tools. My studio, my tools, my inspiration and my art have saved me and have brought me great joy. You are very brave and an inspiration and thank you for generously sharing your story. Perhaps one day I can take a class with you and share the joy. I wish you peace and happiness.

[gail]

Lisa,
I love your Art, and after hearing your story, you too! That had to be hard to share but it's important, on many levels, that you did. Putting your story out there makes it easier for others to come forward with their own story. And while I'm lucky enough that this heinous crime never happened to me, I do have a 9yo dd, and you can bet she'll be very informed on the possibility of this crime.
Hugs to you ~

[GinnyBallou]

Lisa, I do think some of the healing definitely comes from the sharing so I'm glad you did. Early trauma follows us for a long time. I am glad you are beginning to deal with it.
I was in your Art & Soul workshops in Oct. and found you to be a very authentic person and inspiring teacher. Hugs, Ginny

[karen]

Lisa,
Thank you for sharing your story. I too was date raped when I was 19 and at the time I thought it was my fault. I was really upset with myself but then the guys roommate divulged that I had been drugged (he thought it was funny!). When I found this out a whole different lot of emotions surfaced. Fortunately I wasn't able to put away the emotions and have worked thru it over the years but it will always be part of me....as it is a part of you.
Art has definitely been a healer for me...and enjoying your art is a joy for me and many others!
You are very brave to share your story!
Now, I have to save up some money so someday I can come to Oregon and take one of your wonderful workshops!
Hugs! karen...

[Renee Troy]

Your story touched me deeply as I've had a similar experience about 20 years ago so I know first hand the trials and tribulations attached to the aftermath of such a violation.
We all deal with challenges in such different ways. I hope for both of us that this challenge become so dim that we acknowledge it only as just a distant memory that will eventually fade from having any impact on our lives.

Your art is amazing as are you. Embrace the present moments and relish in the beauty that you contribute and inspire in your friends and fans.
Thank you for sharing your heartfelt story.
Hugs,
Renee

[Lynn Little Bald Eagle]

Oh my goodness Lisa, the same thing happened to me when I was 17, so 40 years ago... I 'sucked it up' also and just dealt with it, never telling anyone. I could go into a long, long story about the years afterward, but suffice it to say many of my feelings were exactly like yours.

The things you said about the women you have encountered in the workshops... I am getting ready to attend my 1st ever art retreat and I think that is what I am looking for... the bonding and the healing in the company of women, along with learning something new. Thank you so much.

[Gina Lawrence]

Thank you for Sharing...I've always told that sharing promotes Sharing and ultimately more
healing. I appreciate your willingingness to open up. You didn't have to but chose to and it's bound to change many lives!

[Denise Moore]

Lisa, thank you for sharing your story with the world. The healing will reach farther than you can imagine. Obviously as you can see here it has helped the healing of others in their own painful experiences.
I have admired your art for some time and find myself seeking it out because I know it will make me smile. I hope someday to be able to take one of your workshops I am sure it will be a most wonderful experience. Thank you!

[Lorrie Everitt]

Thank you for sharing your story Lisa ... I'm sure that it was quite difficult to write about. I remembered reading your blog a few months ago and I knew that you were going through something personal at the time.

Your story is a wake up call for me - I have a 16 year old daughter that will be going off to university in two years.

Best wishes ... I love your art and your blog!

[Sally Lindsay]

Wow, what a weight off of your shoulders. You are now at a time in your life where the "grown-up Lisa" can mother the "young Lisa." This process will take as long as it needs to, but the fact that you are sharing with other women will help you and the rest of us. No matter how long ago something bad happened, we finally get to a time in our lives when we can look it square in the eye and let it know that it can't hold on to us anymore.
Blessings, my friend.

[Lynn]

I don't believe there is a woman alive who has not suffered in some deep and killing way. It is not what happens to us, but what we do with it that turns us from the terror. Art can be a hiding place or the only release we know. I admire you coming into your own peace with what happened to you. I agree that women are seeking more than "instruction" when they come together for art. Thank you for being someone who knows that and will build on it.

[Tara]

I believe healing happens when you step out there and share your story with others. You never know what a difference you can make in others lives until you become transparent and be yourself. I am sure your story has touched many and helped someone else heal from a similiar story in their life. Your artwork is just wonderful. So proud of you and for sharing with others!
Hugs,
Tara

[Elizabeth Parsons]

art does indeed save us, each and every day. Thanks for sharing.
Elizabeth

[Janis]

Thank's so much for having the courage to share such a difficult experience. In my experience, the aftermath of stuffing my feelings about what happened, has had a more devastating effect on my life, than the event itself. Art gives me a place to express what has no words.
I love your work and have a piece in my kitchen that puts a smile on my face whenever I look at it. It says "Live Life Joyously." It helps me remember life is meant to be cherished, in spite of our challenges. Blessings to you for sharing your story and your art with all of us.

[Catherine Witherell]

I've always thought you were a good person, friendly, not judgmental and you teach a very good class sharing lots of yourself. I'm glad that even though all these emotions have come up for you lately, it does seem like you are coming to terms with it and life will be even sweeter from here. Perhaps your strength kept that scene tucked away until you were mature enough to handle, process and forgive. People are stronger than they think and it is easier to grieve now than perhaps it was to your young and inexperienced mind. Yeah, sharing that story will loosen it's hold on you. I feel closer to you now that I know it. XO

[CARLANDA]

thank you lisa for sharing your brave story. your art is amazing and i am so glad i got to take your class at art and soul in las vegas! xo carlanda

[Anita Van Hal]

Hi Lisa! Thank you so much for sharing...I'm sure your story has been of great encouragement to many of us who share a similar story. Hugs!