Born to be Creative • by Melissa Phillips

My preferred medium is paper. To me it is like candy … and just as irresistible as fabric. I wouldn’t know how to create without it, and wouldn’t want to. It brings in the charm, feel, character, and even memories that I love to be associated with.

I first remember creating art in Kindergarten ... the smell of the construction paper mixed with Crayolas ... the sticky Elmer’s glue mixed with chunky glitter ... I was fascinated, but didn’t realize how much a part of me it was until just a few years ago. I also remember my Flip and Fold Fashions and how I loved getting lost in the soft floral fabrics and mixing and matching to my heart’s content ... that is what paper is like to me.

Creativity is a Present
About five years ago, we had just moved into our first home, had more space, and I was able to stay home with my baby girl ... the opportunity to find creative time every day was at my fingertips and I still remember how freeing it felt to spend time on myself each day, mixing papers, embellishments, and textures, and discovering the art of papercrafting for the first time. It was almost like a present had been given to me and I have never looked back, nor denied myself of the gift.

I always feel like I am creating for myself ... even if I am creating a piece for someone else. By just allowing myself the opportunity to be creative, I am always creating for me. There are times when I’ll add a page or two to my art journal, create a layout, or alter a home décor item for my craft room — this is when I selfishly pile on all of the little bits and bobs I love, all of the things I reserve for something very special. It amazes me each time I do something like this because I feel like I am given new wings ... new discoveries and techniques ... and then of course inspiration is found in the process.

Love Through Creating
I feel that some of my most favorite and memorable pieces are created when I am full of emotion ... most often when my heart is heavy. I can feel the emotion pouring out of me and it is displayed in the treasure waiting at the end. I most definitely turn to art when I am sad — it is something that heals me because it helps me forget, and it helps take my mind off of the hurt that comes with each new day … the hurt that is always in my heart ready to spill out ... the hurt I cannot heal on my own. Perhaps it masks it ... but I am thankful for the friendship I find in creating art. There are no questions asked, no explanations to be made, only acceptance and understanding found.

Creating art while I am happy happens daily as well ... I have so much to be thankful for ... I hope that my times of sadness don’t ever take away from the blessings I have been given. I feel that we were born to be creative ... and of course there are many forms of creativity. Without it, our world would be meaningless and not beautiful and rich like it is and always has been.

I know I am not alone in my struggle. I know there are many out there who are going through the pain and frustration of infertility like I am. My husband and I have been married for 11 years. It has always been our greatest desire to have children … but they are not coming. Six and a half years ago we were blessed to adopt the most glorious baby girl I have ever seen. She is now my sweetest, greatest joy and I thank my Heavenly Father for her continually. And yet ... my heart still wants more ... selfishly, I want to change more diapers, experience pregnancy, be up in the night warming a bottle and rocking my babe ... it is an empty feeling that won’t go away. The emotions associated are overwhelming and range from guilt, incompetence, unworthiness, and sorrow. I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere sometimes, as I don’t have a beautiful, growing belly, or don’t understand what others are talking about as they tell of their pregnancies, and don’t have three or four little ones running about them. To witness others tell of babies on the way and announce it to friends and family hurts like I can’t even express ... and I am so sorry I feel this way ... I never want what I am experiencing to harm others in any way. So the smile forms and my arms open to give my love, and then I go and find my way of dealing with it ... on my own. The emotions are there daily and by allowing myself to sit down and create, I am able to forget for a bit, to let it all out on paper. It is my way of finding acceptance and understanding. I feel love when I create ... love for myself and for others. It is also my way of expressing gratitude for the sweet little girl I do have … It truly is a gift and has saved me over and over again ... and will continue to be my way of saying thank you.

To learn more about Melissa Phillips, visit lilybeanpaperie.typepad.com.

Comments

[Julie Campbell]

So beautifully said, Melissa...you express yourself in words as perfectly as you do in paper...thank-you for sharing.

[Patty O'Malley]

I, too, had the same problem. We adopted our "baby" 20 years ago and traveled to Peru to do it. I can say quite frankly that over the years, I have quite forgotten that I did not give birth to him. He is my child in every sense of the word. The old quote "You weren't born under my heart but in it" is so very true. Maybe it's the years, but to me there is no difference. We would have loved to adopt again but finances would not allow it. He is my greatest joy!

[Lee Cockrum]

Thank you for sharing. I am in the same boat. I am 46, so this is what I am stuck with. As my Mom used to say to us kids "chances are slim and none, and slim just left town." For various reasons, adoption was never in the cards.

Rationally I can say that at this point our lives are so set, that a baby would be a HUGE upheaval, as well as some days I just would not have the energy for it. But all that being said, it is still so very painful that it never happened for me. Ever since I was old enough to carry a baby doll, I knew I wanted a house full of children.

[Gabriela]

Oh Melissa, what a heart wrenching, but nonetheless beautiful post. You are such a special young woman, indeed.

[regina]

Oh Melissa, I have been following your beautiful work for it seems forever now..My heart aches when I read about your pain, but my heart also rejoices in knowing that your a Woman of God..he loves ya so much and blessed ya with a beautiful daughter to call your own...stay strong and keep focus on him and all other things will come...love ya...Regina

[linda]

Such a beautiful story, thanks for sharing. Life certainly presents us with difficult situations and sometimes it is so hard to understand and make sense of it. I am glad there is Art to help us along the way, letting us pour our emotions out to cope with whatever happens. All the best to you!

[Loydine]

Melissa, what a beautiful person you are through and through! Not many can reach through their sadness to give sincere congratulations to others for something they themselves desperately desire. I enjoy visiting your site every day. Thank you for sharing your creativity and your personal struggle with accepting life's limits.