Fully Seeing the World Around Me • by Bridgette Guerzon Mills

“I’m ready to draw now.” I say to my older sister as I plop down on the carpet next to her. “Are you?” I ask her. I tip my tattered box of crayons onto the floor with my small 6-year-old hands. My sister nods and reaches out in front of her. “What color do you want?” I ask.

“Green, please.” I pick up a broken half of a green crayon and pass it to her. I start to neatly color the bottom of my paper with the other half. Out of the corner of my eye I see her scribbling across her paper with vertical lines jutting out of the swirling mass of green.

“Can I have pink now?” I pass the pink and watch as she draws small loops in random order. I ask her out of curiosity, “What’s that?”

“Pink flowers,” she replies.

“Oh,” I say. After she’s done I pick up the pink crayon and start to draw little tulip shapes above green stems on my drawing.

“Can I have yellow?” She takes the bright yellow crayon that I pass to her and places it on her drawing and slowly draws in a circular motion. I nod to myself, knowing that that must be the sun. She finishes and holds her hand out and lays it on my head. “I’m done now. Can you bring me over to Mommy? I want to show her my drawing.” I reach over and help my sister stand. She takes my hand and I lead her away in search of our mother.

Being my Sister’s Eyes
My second oldest sister was diagnosed with leukemia when she was 2 years old. She underwent numerous treatments, which at the time were experimental. Her cancer went into remission, but she suffered serious side effects. She lost her sight, developed epilepsy, and stopped growing at the age of 12. Since I was the youngest of the family, she actually never “saw” me. She had lost her sight before I was born. I never viewed her as handicapped though. My parents told us that she was special, like a gift that we had to take care of.

All I knew was that I had to help be her eyes. But she was the one who was helping me to see the world in vivid colors and to feel the world in texture. I was always describing the world around us. Spending my early years putting the visual world into words and laying my hand atop hers as we felt different surfaces and textures had a profound impact on me. The world, while uncertain and painful at times, became a wondrous place to explore with all of our senses. So many people go through life without truly seeing what is around them. As artists we are privileged with not only the ability to see beyond form, but the inclination to stop and look.

My sister passed away when I was 18 years old and I keep the lessons I learned from her deep in my heart. She is one of my muses — a reminder to always be curious, to draw outside the lines, to fully see the world around me, and above all else, to always be grateful.

Letting Go of Preconceptions
I did not always know that I could be an artist. Oh sure, I could draw and paint fairly well. But I didn’t feel like I was creative or that I had a vision of my own. So I ignored my creative side as best as I could all the while it was so painfully obvious that I needed to be doing art.

Finally, I let go of all my preconceptions of myself and of what an artist is, and just started creating. Once I started and opened myself up to what could be, it all came flooding out. And it still is! Art is my way of making sense of the world and the events in my life. Creating is who I am and what will always drive me.

A Mother & An Artist
Now as a mother of young children, art is still a part of my life. While this is a time in my life that I am blessed to have, the reality is that there is very little time for self. But that is the reason why creating art is still so important. When I am in the moment of creating, I am able to connect back to Me, to the core of who I am. I am still and listen to the inner voice that I have learned to trust. Even if it’s only for an hour after my children go to sleep and even though I may be exhausted, it is a must. Art balances me and replenishes me.

Being a mother and an artist is a partnership that can fuel each other, but it takes determination. Creating art is a release, but it is not for the faint of heart. Not only does it require determination, but also dedication and belief in self. I think that is why art saves. It is a way to reach into yourself and declare with paint or pencil that what you have to say or feel matters enough to be put out into the world. And it does.

To learn more about Bridgette Guerzon Mills, visit guerzonmills.com and bgmartjournal.blogspot.com.

Comments

[Denise Funfsinn]

I had the pleasure of meeting Bridgette this past summer at an organizing meeting of FusedChicago, a group of artists who use encaustic paint in their art. I'd been familiar with her work through online explorations for other artists of encaustics, but getting to know her over the past few months has been a special opportunity for me. She is generous with her time, attention, and complimentary spirit. She has inspired me to experiment more with my art, and most especially to share those personal and poetic reflections. I am proud to be an artist colleague and hope our paths continue to cross and our friendship grows.

[Patti Roberts-Pizzuto]

I've just met Bridgette myself recently and immediately connected with her work and her sensitive spirit. This essay and her story, so beautifully told, gives me an even richer insight...I'm so happy to know her and would love to meet her in person..one day, I will I'm sure!!!

[Crystal Neubauer]

Bridgette I read your story with eagerness, knowing what a talented artist you are - but was not expecting this and these big fat tears rolling down my cheeks! No wonder I see such poignant beauty reflected in your work - the kind that touches upon the soul and leaves you wanting just a little more. Thank-you for sharing, what a wonderfully written memoir!

[shona cole]

What a touching story. how you helped your sister brought tears to my eyes. I am impressed how strong you were as a child, bearing such hardship and grief but with such compassion. I have long enjoyed your blog and art, now I understand your soulfulness a little more.