What I Want :: For Now*
So I called Therapist up the day before yesterday to get myself back on calendar. I had ended up bolting a few weeks ago when we were entering some really tough areas of work. Really hard work. And I just was a no-show one day. And after having some weeks of distance from the proecess, I have decided I want to dive back in and do the hard work. To gain more insights. It's a draining process. But it's good for me.
"Hello doctor. It's me, Jenny. I've been MIA for a while."
"Yes, I noticed that," said Therapist.
"I'd like to start back up."
"When would you like to come in?"
Just like that. Easy out. Easy in.
During these weeks of taking a break from Therapist, I've been pondering what I really want, as I roll around frequently in a cloud of discontent ... thinking that I don't have what I really want.
So the other night I was doing some texting with a friend and we were doing a quick honest listing of what each of us really want. Wanna know what made it onto my list?
A bigger house?
No way. Not interested in any sort of new or more or bigger property.
A bigger or fancier car?
Hell no. Another car when Andrew eventually takes mine would be nice ... but a small one that can simply zip me from home to studio to gym, and back.
Part of me thinks that that would be nice but in all honesty, the answer is ... nah, not really. There's research that shows that at a certain point ... more money does not compute to increased happiness. I mean, the fact that I live in a house in southern California, that I have WIFI at all times, that I'm posting my thoughts on my blog with photos taken with my iPhone puts me in a category where the default "more money" response won't really truly make much of a difference to my happiness. My happiness I know is related to other things.
So ... what do I really really want? Aside from the health and happiness of my family of course ...
First on my list: To paint well and to paint without guilt. That's my number one. I want this. This is my season to do this. I know it.
Second on my list: I want to continue meeting my fitness goals as I stay active, strong, and fit.
Third on my list: I want to have fun. The kind fun that involves good conversations, deep laughter, good energy, and transparent honesty without judgement.Fourth on my list: I want to continue gaining insights. Even if the process beats me up to smitherines, I know it's good for me.
That's it. For now.*
*The asterisk to all of this is that there are some things that I really want but I know that I can never have. I think that's true for everyone. And when you think about it, things in this category are relational in nature, not material in nature. No one ever really and truly grieves the fact that they can't have a pair of expensive shoes or a fancy car. But we do grieve not having a good relationship with a person we want a good relationship with.
Therapist and I were working on this when I decided to bolt a few weeks ago. Tough things to deal with. Because as Therapist points out, acceptance is where you land once you let out all the sorrow related to recognizing that what you want is what you want, even if you can't have what you want.
What about you? What do you REALLY want?
Are you sure about that?