Self-Determination

More insights.

Yesterday's session with Therapist started with a focus on my homework assignment that I spoke about here. All about listing options of what I could do with a particular situation, along with corresponding pros and cons ... all in an effort to discern what I will do, rather than what I should do.

There were five options that I saw, and I had a tough time keeping other people's interests out of thinking about those options as they related to my best interest.

I won't bore you with the option that I stated as the one that I will do.

But what germinated from that discussion is the concept of self-determination. It's all about deciding who I am. What I value. How I determine what is right and wrong ... with complete honesty ... and a complete disregard for what others value, and how others determine what's right and wrong, and then living a life based on that self-determination. Free will. Choice. Honesty.

Who am I?
What do I value?
What do I think is wrong?
What do I think is right?

Another thing I learned is that sometimes, we think we are feeling guilt or shame ... when actually, we are feeling fear. It's fear in relation to potential consequences that we foresee and wonder how we will manage if they come, based on our choices.

Isn't that interesting?

All of this to say that the more illumination we can shed on who we are, the better lit our paths will be in making choices ... cognizant of potential consequences as we determine for ourselves and ourselves only, the path we decide to walk.

We honor self-determination as we honestly live and pursue happiness, and allow others to honestly live and pursue happiness.

I'm still pondering and digesting it all.

Easier said than done.

She Will

I've been talking with someone lately.
A therapist. A really good one.

There, I said it.
I've debated about whether I should share that information. And now I have. And now I get to share some insights I've been gaining lately.

What triggers a person to start therapy is different from person to person. I'll spare you the details of why I started. But the bottom line is that I had some personal challenges recently and realized that there are significant issues related to tangles and voids in my life that I've been putting off dealing with.

But now I'm facing them head on. Finally.

During yesterday's session, when I started tackling one of my biggest issues, I found myself asking Therapist "What should I do?"And Therapist said "The question is not 'What should you do?' The question is "What will you do?'" 

"What will you do?" Therapist asked.
"I don't know," I said.

So my homework for this week is to list the different things I could do in relation to the issue at hand. And to make a list of what I view as the pros and cons of each option. Of course even as I'm considering all the things I could do while doing what I view as "nothing" ... I am actually doing something, you know? When a person explodes and yells, that's something ... but when a person withdraws and stays silent ... that isn't nothing. That's also something. And even silence speaks. Sometimes more loudly than words.

Asking what I should do is a much less scary question than asking what I will do. Because Therapist is right. I can use up a lot of time to take a poll to hear everyone's advice and opinions on what I should do. It's a safe conversaion. But ultimately, I will do what I will do. Even if what I do is status quo.

And whether I do status quo or something different than status quo, how I cope with what I've been doing or what I will do differently is a whole different matter, says Therpaist.

Interesting, don't you think?

It's all good. I'm glad I'm learning. I'm glad I'm facing scary questions. And I'm glad I decided to share here. Maybe someone might think I shouldn't have. But I did. We do what we decide to do.

I will share more insights (without necessarily sharing the nitty gritty details of how they relate to me specifically) and by doing so, I believe I'll be able to better remember and better digest the insights that I'm gaining for myself, and perhaps they may provide insight and helpfulness for anyone reading these particular posts. If they do, that'll make me happy.

Thanks for letting me share. :)

Specifics Told Boldly and Vulnerably

I've been thinking about what it means to be bold in art.

And I keep telling myself that I need to re-watch the seasons of Work of Art ... a great reality show that provided great insight about what makes art great.

Well, hold on ... the words "what makes art great" might be a slippery slope I know ... so maybe I should say "what makes art great to me."

What makes art great to me is when I connect deeply with it. And as several of the judges on Work of Art pointed out, it's when art tells stories based on specific experiences that it moves from good to great. Sometimes happy, sometimes sad ... but always vulnerable, and honest. Not hollow.

Interestingly, judges from my other favorite reality show, Chopped, say the same thing about food. They love when chefs draw on specific experiences from their lives to explain why they used certain spices, why they went the route of making a soup rather than a salad. I think there's something to that. When we create something by putting our specific experiences into it, it becomes unique.

My daughter Monica is a writer and this topic of drawing on specifics to make good written works is a topic that we talk about all the time. 

Recently, when I found myself with Monica sitting in the audience at the student poetry reading for Orange County School of the Arts and I saw a sweet, meek-looking Amanda Ortscheid take the stage, I didn't expect to have her poem touch me so profoundly. Here's what she wrote and read:

I felt that for her to write these lines was bold and crazy audacious.
I felt that for her to read it in front of faculty, staff, family, and strangers was bold.
I don't know her specific experience but I would venture to say that there is an experience she is drawing from that is very specific and therefore very interesting.

Unbeknownst to Amanda, her words help me with recent specific experiences that I've had and am working through ... specifics that I'm infusing into my paintings as of late, as I tell myself it's ok to not hold back and it's ok to put it all out there.

And when I posted one such painting from this process ... this one ...

I got a whole lot of wonderful feedback ... from friends, family, acquaintences and complete strangers. One feedback came from an acquaintance who connected deeply with this painting. She has stage-4 breast cancer. She has 4 fractures in her spine currently. And that's why she chooses to carry the DNR card with her and posts a big DNR on her wall. If I sell prints of this painting, she asks if she could buy one. 

To my knees I fall.
Perspective.

My DNR is about my specific experience. Not about breast cancer. But it connects with this person who does, in ways that I could never have imagined.

What makes art great to me (and life great to me) is when specifids are told boldly and vulnerably. It's what makes people connect deeply and meaningfully.

Faith in the Minor Key

A song changes from major to minor when just one note moves down one tiny half-step. Musicians know this. And when non-musicians ask, "When can you tell a song is in the minor key?" I say, "You'll know it when you hear it. When you feel the melancholy."

Humans are fragile.

A lesson I learn and re-learn time and time again. Just one misstep, one half step turns the air from clear to cloudy, hopeful to troubled, major to minor.

I don't think there's a person I've met who has been able to avoid the minor key. Sometiems, the half-step change happens unbeknownst to any of us, and even in the presence of good intent.

But I have faith in the minor key ... that it'll help me better understand the human condition and accept that to find contentment and joy in the songs composed in the major key, we sometimes have to experience the ones composed in the minor.

And then we rise.

Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength.
However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.
(A. Landers)

And it hurts.

And it burns.



And then we rise.

On Painting

If you could say it in words,
there would be no reason to paint.
Edward Hopper

I want to paint more. This wanting struggles with the questions I frequently ask myself ... like ... "Who am I to paint so much? Who do I think I am?"

I've been more of a facilitator of art than an an artist, I know. And when I get positive feedback about my facilitation, it feels more natural to accept. But when I get positive feedback about my art, I have a hard time really believing it and accepting it.

Most of the time, the reason I paint is to get my internal angst and tumult out of me. Believe it or not, I have a ton of it. Feelings that are hard to express in words ... not that I don't try to do so ... as my friends will attest. I do talk and let as much out to those closest to me. But even with that, there are feelings that at times ache to be expressed through paint. And when they do, when I allow myself the time and space to do so and I have music that is meant to be listened to as I do this, I feel most alive and the release is quite wonderful. As Denise Sharp puts it in her story, art in many ways is nothing short of vital. Indeed, it is my life line (especially these days) and key to survival.

What I feel can be whispered. It can be shouted. It can be screamed. Then whipered again.

  That's why I paint. And as I go through the self-doubt of whether I deserve to paint more, a small collection of painted works has started to grow.

On Risks

Do you watch the show, Chopped?
I do.
It's like my favorite show right now. I watch it whenver I get the chance, which is pretty frequently because it's on a lot!

Whenever the contestants open the mystery basket and they are confronted with items that people normally do not know how to handle, I'm ever impressed with those who know how to handle them. It's sexy, quite frankly, when a person doesn't squirm or flinch or hesitate with whatever is before them ... from jumbo squid to frog legs, nopales to habaneros ... but rather takes command of the kitchen and the ingredients to make art happen.

One thing that is always on my mind about this show is how the judges value those who take risks. They are constantly saying it, right? "You played it safe by going the safe route and making the predictable bread pudding ... or the pot pie ... or the (fill in the blank)." It's when contestants take the road less traveled and truly invent, truly innovate, and truly take risks to make something unimaginably fantastic rather than imaginabley good.

When contestants go on this untraveled road, I start biting my nails. Will they make it in time? Will the sauce reduce in time? Will the souffle rise in time? Shouldn't they have just played it safe? Is it worth the risks that they are taking? What if their efforts are met with unexpected calamity?

And of course sometimes, the risk-takers do fail. Flat on their faces. Their dishes don't work. The inventive combinations of spices don't come together. The cake doesn't rise. The sauce burns. And unfairly, the ones with less imagination and less courage and frequently less skill ... who play it safe end up stay on for another round as the one who took the risks gets chopped. It's a tragedy.

But then of course there are plenty of times when the risk-takers do become victorious. Eveyrthing comes together beautifully, and the judges' palates are ever impressed with what they experience.

. . . .

So with art ... and with life.

I always wonder ... am I playing it safe? Or am I being bold and taking risks?
These are questiions contantly on my mind. I want to invent. I want to innovate. I want to experience something unimaginable. Even if that means that at times, I fall flat on my face.

I think about Frida Kahlo. She was consumed with taking risks and living out loud, with passion, and without hesitation. To say the least. And arguably, her approach lead to a lot of hurt and pain. Oh, but the brilliance of her work, her art, her life.

Social Networking Personality Facets

As most Instagram users know, whenever you post a photo on Instagram, it gives you the choice to have it populate onto Facebook and/or Twitter. Sometimes I do populate my Instagram photos everywhere and sometimes I prefer to keep them exclusive to my Instagram feed.

To me, this very function puts Instagram in the driver's seat and makes most other social networking platforms feel almost old-fashioned as they sit there, waiting to see if they might be invited to repeat and rehash what you have to show and tell on Instagram.

I was recently asked by someone what the differences are between IG, FB, TW, and ... well ... let's throw Vine into this mix as well, shall we? The question made me think about my relationship with each platform and how different facets of my personality come out, depending on which platform I'm using. Here are some of my observations and thoughts regarding it all.

VINE and IG
When Vine came onto the scene a few weeks ago (you know, the APP that lets you share 6-second videos), part of me wondered if it would overshadow IG in terms of popularity. And though Vine is moderately entertaining, it's not Instagram ... mainly because making a super short video doesn't give you as instant a gratification as taking a quick picture. After all, who has 6 seconds to waste viewing a video (let alone 6 minutes+ making a 6-second video)? Those precious seconds can be better spent viewing and commenting on IG photos, I say.

How I'm feeling about Vine right now: I've not made many Vine videos and frankly, I feel a little guilty about that. I feel like I'm letting my followers down. And though there's planning and staging that has to happen for IG photos, it pales in comparison to the planning and scheming that go into one measly little video. But when I do post on Vine, I feel I'm on my best behavior. And when I comment on other Vine videos, I find that I'm on my best commenting behavior as well. Not sure what that's about but the hair is definitely up when interacting on Vine.

TWITTER and IG
One of the observations people make about why Instagram is better than Twitter is that it takes too much time to read the 140 characters associated with Twitter posts but that there is time to quickly view photos associated with Instagram feeds. Ironically, there are times when Instgram photos have way more than 140 characters attached to them as authors have much to say about the subject at hand (including photos that are supposed to speak for themselves but often get posted with commentary like "no words needed when the day looks like this") and overuse esoteric commentary-based hashtags that are annoying, not clever. There's got to be a hashtag for people to use when we get sucked into wasting precious moments desiphering not-so-clever sentences without spaces and start with the pound sign ... only to learn that the author's son #neverrememberstotakeoutthetrashbutilovehimanyway. Are you effin' kidding me? I could have spent the last 6 seconds watching a Vine video but instead got sucked into learning about your son and your trash. #killmenow.

This thing with hashtags also exsits on Twitter but in my observation, it's not as intense as it is on Instagram. The other major upside with Twitter is of course its ability to embed links that we want people to visit. Why Instagram can't do this I don't know. #dearinstagramcanyoupleaseaddalinkfeaturesomysoncantakeoutthetrash? #killmenow.

And then of course there are people who comment on the Instagram photos, sometimes causing arduously LONG back-and-forths with the author as commenters who for assorted reasons get engaged to throw in their two cents regarding the topic at hand.

How I'm feeling about Twitter right now: For the most part, I neglect it. Sometimes I feel sorry for it so I'll populate an IG photo onto my feed but every time I do this, I feel I'm not being unique to Twitter. So the guilt will sometimes get me on Twitter to see if there's anything unique that I can engage with ...  but wouldn't you know it ... lately, whenever I go on Twitter, all I see is Instagram photos being rehashed everywhere. Go figure. But the thing about Twitter is that it isn't the most warm and fuzzy of networking platforms. Even if you have a lot of followers, there is a chance that several of your posts will not result in anyone responding ... which sometimes leads you to mistakenly think that your tweets are not read by anyone and that they are perhaps even private. They're not, as Anthony Weiner will attest.

FACEBOOK and IG
Having close friends and random strangers chime in to throw in their two cents on the subject of a post is not unique to Instagram, of course. In fact, this phenomenon is the cornerstone of Facebook. It's what makes Facebook so darned entertaining ... as we get to see all-out battles and emotions explode on people's walls where debates about politics, religion and everything in between get duked out for everyone in the world to see. It's a hot mess at times.

When I compare all platforms in terms of how people comment on posts, I feel that Facebook is the most engaged. I mean, don't even think about saying a peep about the apple you just ate if you don't want 30 people to leave you a comment ... ranging from granny smiths, fujis, honey crisps, fritters, pies, and orchards. And with the comments, there will be links galore ... that take you to the ends of the earth to learn more than you ever dreamed of learning about apples and apple derivatives.

But you know, that's the power of Facebook. You get to post photos and links ... and the community is NOT SHY about saying something about everything and anything. Yes ... on Facebook, the hair is definitely down, the shoes off, and wine poured. And boxing gloves nearby. :)

How I'm feeling about Facebook right now: I use it all the time. It's my number one go-to on getting the word out about something I'm promoting. It's also up there in terms of engaging with people when I feel a little lonely. I mean, if I feel like inviting a little company into my empty studio, all I have to do is talk about the apple I just ate. But lately, I feel that rather than just talking about my apple, I might as well Instagram my apple, populate it onto Facebook, and enjoy double the instant community. Do I invite Twitter to the party? Probably not. And Vine? Too much trouble. 

The bottom line is this. Instagram is fun. It's easy. It's instant. Even though sometimes photos get mired in way too many comments and hashtags, the words for the most part are on the second stage as the photos remain on the main stage.

Finally, to all the critics ... I'm not delusional into thinking that anyone's Instagram feed reflects that person's complete life story. Surely there are photos from shouting matches, bad hair days, dysfunctional relationships, and other unmentionables that will never make it onto anyone's IG feed. What we put out there and what we see out there is definitely orchestrated by us as we project what we want to share. I get it. And you kow what? That's A-OK by me. I like orchestrating my personality facets in ways that fit IG, Facebook, Twitter, Vine, etc. I know that who I am on these sites don't complete me. But let me tell you that who I am in real life includes the facets of who I am on these sites.

To Drink in the Company of Others

Can you guess what this is?
It's a flask with a handmade cozy. Is it not the cutest thing you've EVER seen? My buddy Vickie gave it to me recently ... the cutest flask cozy she made just for me ... filled with the best Scotch I've ever tasted. What a gift.

I knew I wanted to blog about this gift as soon as I received it because it's a great opportunity to tell you a little bit about my relationship with alcohol. Where it's been and where I'm steering it.

So several years ago, I entered this artist's studio and observed that in the studio, there was a lot of magnificent art ... a space located where not a lot of people come through. A space with no TV. A quiet space. A bedroom with walls that had been written on with jet black ink ... haunting words ... perhaps words that came to her in the still of the night ... the dark, bleak, quiet, lonely night. With no one or nothing around except for her bottle of something that once was good and strong but likely now not as good and not strong enough.

I saw that bottle. And I knew it was her constant companion. And I knew she drank alone.

. . . . . . . .

I never drank in high school. And I hardly drank in college. I was busy doing other things ... like studying, practicing the piano and the cello, and studying more. It really wasn't until I was in my 30s that I learned to enjoy alcohol.

I especially love a good red wine and I adore a good Scotch.

With the intensity of work during these past several years, I found myself not just enjoying a good red or a Scotch with a meal in the company of friends, but reaching for it as a crutch at the end of the day. To unwind. To relax. And I found myself reaching for it more ane more when I was alone. Not in the company of others but when I was by myself. And there was something about that that started to bother me.

These last couple of years, as I've become so passionate about fitness and nutrition, I decided to really examine my relationship with alcohol. And when I did, my memory of visiting my artist friend's space came to my mind ... those haunting words written on her wall ... and her bottle ... her constant and likely only companion on many a nights.

So for the past several months, I challenged myself to see if I could just stop drinking altogether. I knew that if I couldn't, I had a bigger problem than I would care to admit. But you know what? I was able to go straight through two solid months without any alcohol at all. And it felt really good.

The mode that I'm now in is this. I will allow myself to enjoy a drink once in a while. But I'm not gonna drink alone. After all, how good can a Scotch or Napa Cabernet be if not enjoyed with someone, right?

Occaionally, and in the company of others, is my motto. I'll keep you updated as things evolve. Cause I know you want to be updated on things like that. :)

Thanks for letting me share. And thanks to Vickie for such a thoughtful, awesome gift. Cheers.

 

The Pursuit of Happiness

I watched a documentary today titled Happy by Roko Belic. One of the most important points it made is that according to research, 50 percent of what determines whether we are happy or not is our genetic make-up. How we are wired. How we are born.

Then a tiny 10 percent that determines our happiness is our circumstances ... you know ... how much money we have, how fancy our cars/homes/clothes are, how fabulous our licensing agreement is, how famous and successful we are ... all of that accounts for only 10 percent of what causes us to be happy. Isn't that interesting?

There are so many times when we convince ourselves that the only way we will be happy is if we can amass more money, more materials, more professional success, and more status. And with that mentality, there's this chronic discontent that sets in. You've met people like that, right? Nothing makes them happy.

So what about the 40 percent? What's that all about? Well, that's really the percent related to the choices we make ... the intent, the choice, the will to be happy.

There were a few important points that the documentary made, about how that 40 percent gets affected in terms of how we enhance happiness. One of the main points that I appreciated is that physical activity/exercise is directly related to the way our brains process dopamine, which is directly related to how happy we are. In other words, if you want to feel good and happy, breaking a sweat through physical activity will get you there. It's the ultimate natural drug.

This point made me think about how much I have come to value exercise. Just this weekend, I had one of the best highs by going out with my friend Lisa for my second paddleboarding lesson. It's one of the most thrilling and challenging things I've pushed myself to learn in a long, long time. And let me tell ya, there's a whole lot of dopamine that gets processed through this activity.

As some of you know, a couple of years ago, when I really started getting into exercise, it was prompted not because I wanted to become happier. Rather, it was triggered by the fact that my back started hurting because I had been working pretty much non-stop on the computer as I was launching my new company. I think back to those days and think that I wasn't too far from the other important point that the documentary made by presenting us with a tragically growing phenomenon within Japanese culture called Karoshi. It is literally a condition where workers work so hard that they work themselves to death. So sad.

Whether it's paddleboarding or boxing or any other physical activity, I'm convinced that it's a BIG factor in making that 40 percent work for you. It's what gets the happy juices flowing ... and for me personally, it's the only time of day when I can truly turn off all of my worries, fears, disappointments, and experience the joy of exercise. It's when I feel alive and happy.

The other things that factor into happiness, according to the documentary, is having quality relationships with people, and having opportunities to help those in need. 

I want to pursue all of this.
I want to to work hard ... but not work to death.
I want to be physically active and push myself to be a constant learner.
I want to develop and sustain quality relationships.
I want to help those in need.

I want to be someone who doesn't complain about what I don't have, but celebrates what I do have.
I want to be happy.