Tango

When I prepare the studio for the next next, I'm always looking down.
Looking down as I sweep up and clean up from the immediate past next.
Oh the things I find when I look down.
Pins, pearls, pencils ... and once even a fallen acrylic nail!

But this time, I found her. So perfect she appeared that I thought she was simply at rest.
But her journey had ended. Beautifully. Calmly. Quietly. With stories that I could only imagine ... stories that only she could confirm.

Perhaps I was thinking of her stories ... of the tangled, complicated tango she danced ... of the beautiful light she adored and was endlessly, breathlessly, and recklessly drawn to.

Channeling her stories is how this painting came to be. Colors that landed effortlessly on the canvas, followed by all the rest that lilted down to find their place ... to honor and document the vailitiy of her stories, her life, her unique dance.

Nine Eleven

It was ten years ago today when our family awoke to get our Monica ready for her first day of kindergarten. We had gotten her uniform all ready the night before, with her brand new lime-green backpack filled with brand new pencils, erasers, and stickers  ... the whole family bursting with anticipation as we put all of our focus into supporting Monica and her school.

As she was getting ready, as I walked out of the house, I ran into my neighbor Mark who said to me that one of the twin tower buildings had been hit by an airplane. I remember this well.

I came inside and turned on the news and there it was. The entire horrific story unfolding before our eyes. It was unreal. It was surreal.

With worry, concern and confusion, we all got loaded up and took Monica to school. Andrew was a little guy, not yet three, who came along for the big event. That morning, Monica was greeted by her good friend Andrea. And like magnets, the two of them found Cecilia ... the new friend who  completed this circle of friendship as these three would quickly become the three muskateers. As Gerardo, Andrew, and I left the campus, I said to her what I still say to her and also to Andrew when I drop them off at school: "Pay attention to the teachers and be nice to the kids."

That night, after being fixated on the news and hearing all about the first day of kinder, our family went to sleep. Then in the middle of the night, Gerardo and I awoke because of the deafening sound we heard from the sky. We opened our front door and saw that the noise was coming from fighter jets ... flying so close to our neighborhood ... so close that I felt the wind hitting my face from the motion of these jets. I have never been so scared. I thought the world was going to end that night.

Here we are. Ten years later. Cecilia, Andrea, Monica ... still the three muskateers.

These three girls will always remember the morning of 9/11. The morning filled with excitement and also deep sadness.

It is the morning that the parents of these girls, as well as the parents of countless other schoolchildren will never forget. The morning when we hoped and prayed harder than ever before, to be swaddled in comfort, peace, healing, understanding, and friendship.

Benito & Abraham

Cinco de Mayo (Spanish for May the 5th) is NOT Mexico's Independence Day. That is actually September 16, 1810.

Cinco de Mayo honors an important battle when the underdog, the Mexican army (of 4,000), defeated the French army (of 8,000) at the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862. It was important because the hubris of the French, coupled with disciplined perseverence of a people under the leadership of its president, Benito Juarez, resulted in an outcome that no one predicted, and had huge reverberations for the world.

These reverberations forever affected the fate of the United States because had Mexico not been victorious at Puebla, the French would have moved onto its ultimate goal of aiding the southern Confederacy during the US Civil War. Mexico's victory at Puebla disallowed the French from providing support to the Confederacy, and resulted in the eventual ending of the US Civil War. And ever since the Battle of Puebla, no country in any of the Americas—not North, not Central, not South—has been invaded by Europe.

Through all of this, Benito Juarez and Abraham Lincoln remained the strongest of allies. To me, their style of leadership had many similarities that I admire so much. Calm. Confident. Values-based. Results-oriented. Determined. Focused. Unflappable.

All of this to say ...

Happy Cinco de Mayo. :)

Irrationality of Horribilization

I hate going to the dentist. Always have. In fact, there was a long stretch of time when I didn't go and the longer I put it off, the worse my fear got. I horribilized in my head, all the horrible things that would happen if I went. Turns out that when I did finally go, nothing horrible happened. They checked my teeth, told me that I had no cavities and told me to remember to floss. Since that particular visit, I've been going regularly but I still dread going and I still think that with every visit, something horrible will happen.

With my kids, it's even worse. When they were much younger, when they did get some cavities, I felt such shame. (It's a mother thing.) It felt like a report card on parenting that the dentist gave me ... "Your daughter has 1 cavity and your son has 2." I convinced myself that the cavities were a reflection of my poor mothering skills.

If my kids could chime in right now, they'd tell you that in our house, I am a bit intense about the whole teeth thing as I walk around badgering them day and night ... making sure that they've brushed, flossed, and rinsed.

So anyway, this spring break, I took the kids to the dentist. And because we had had some problems with our dental insurance for a few months, I had missed a couple of regular appointments for them and me. And sure enough, I started horribilizing what would happen at this appointment. Had they brushed enough? Had they flossed enough? What if the dentist came out to chastize me for all the horrible things that I was doing, as evidenced by the cavities and other oral hygeiene issues that were going on in their mouths?

Horribilizing is what I do when it comes to teeth.

So it was the moment of truth. 1 Spring Break. 3 Dental Checkups. The results?
Me: zero cavities.
Monica: zero cavities.
Andrew: one cavity.

The staff asked in the most non-horrible way ... "So, when can you bring Andrew back to get his cavity filled?"

"Um ... how about in two weeks?"

"You got it. We'll see you in two weeks. Oh by the way, Andrew was wondering if we could do something so that his 'fangs' were less noticible and so we told him that his 'fangs' were normal but that if he wants us to try and sand them down, we could do it but we'd need your permission first."

"Uh ... that would be a no. No need to get rid of his normal fangs. We'll see you in two weeks."

So that's it. Nothing horrible happened. And you know what? I'm finally realizing that the most horrible thing that happens in terms of these appointments is what happens in my head ... as I construct my own horrible scenario based on irrational thinking.

We all have things we horribilize. The dentist. The tax man. The doctor's visit. But you know what? The worst case scenario is never as horrible as we imagine them to be. I mean, even if the checkup resulted in someone needing a root canal ... it would be "When can you come in to get your root canal?"

It's when we keep putting things off with these not-so-fun parts of life that they can fester and become a bigger deal than they ever need to be.

Don't forget to floss ... fangs and all. ;)

The Other Cheek

I've frequently wondered about what Jesus meant when he said "if anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also." Did he mean that abused wives ought to subject themselves to domestic violence? Did he mean that we ought to deliberately seek dysfunctional and emotionally abusive relationships?

I think not.

I think the concept had more to do with keeping our focus on long-term, rather than short-term success. It's about not losing emotional control in the heat of the moment ... even when you've been wronged. It's about attracting bees with more honey. It's about killing badness with kindness. 

It's about retaining a poker face ... it's about using one's grit and discipline to stay focused on the long-term. To control our emotions rather than have our emotions control us. To out-maneuver, out-play, out-wit, and out-last. Strategies for long-term success. 

Easier said than done.

(Artwork by Linda Warlyn.)

WE LIGHT A CANDLE

Tonight, we light a candle.

 

And we say a prayer. 

For the people of Haiti as they find a way back from today's devastating earthquake. 

And we count our blessings and gain perspective. 

For all that we have, and all that we are able to give to others, if we so choose.

 

CARDS WE HOLD, CARDS WE PLAY

The truth of this message is one that is fully realized by the tortoise that could. It's the tortoise's ability to not give up and play well the hand he has been dealt to ultimately be successful, that inspires me to no end. Throughout history, we've seen those who are given a good hand but don't appreciate it and don't use it well. And we've seen those who have not such a good hand but never give up and figure out how to beat the odds. The pen is mightier than the sword, the strongest weapon is patience, you gotta have faith, and you must never give up. No matter what.

DANGERS OF COMFORT

 

It's so true, don't you think? When we get too comfortable, we don't strive for the next thing. Because the thing is, the next thing, or the thought of the next thing can be ... well ... really, really uncomfortable and scary.

But I think it's when we force ourselves to move beyond our comfort zones — spiritually, physically, personally, professionally — to challenge ourselves to come up with the next level of excellence, that brilliance will ever be achieved. 

Because this is so hard, it is why I think brilliance is SO VERY RARELY achieved.

 

CRY WITHOUT WEEPING

"And so she woke up, woke up from where she was, lying still. Said, I gotta do something about where we're going ...

Step on a steam train, step out of the driving rain, maybe. Run from the darkness in the night. Singing ha, ah la la la de day, ah la la la de day, a la la de day.

Sweet the sin, bitter taste in my mouth. I see seven towers, but I only see one way out.

You got to cry without weeping, 

talk without speaking, 

scream without raising your voice ...

You know I took the poison from the poison stream, then I floated out of here. Singing, ha la la la de day. Ha la la la de day, ha la la de day.

She runs through the streets with her eyes painted red, under the black belly of cloud in the rain. In through a doorway, she brings me, white gold and pearls, stolen from the sea, 

She is raging

She is raging

And the storm blows up in her eyes. She will ...

Suffer the needle chill. She's running to stand ...

Still."

{By U2}

TORTOISE THAT COULD

If you're a follower of my blog, you know that I try my best to focus on the positive. After all, who wants to hang out with a whiner or a perpetual woe-is-me person? Not me. I'd much rather hang with those who can rise above it all ... like the tortoise who ultimately outpaces the hare. But the story of the tortoise has always symbolized for me that 1) challenges and negativity will always exist, and 2) you gotta find a way to use negative experiences to fuel the fortitude needed to stay positive.

If you've been following this blog, you know that I immigrated from Korea at the age of 7. One of the most negative things that ever happened to me at the age of 8 happened in our first home in Bakersfield, California. Blackstone Court, to be exact.

Blackstone Court was a cul-de-sac and our home was my family's pride and joy ... one that we lived in as my parents worked incredibly long hours to make it happen for our family, while my brothers and I worked incredibly hard to bring home good grades. Lazy we were not. 

It's hard for me to really even acknowledge that this thing ever happened. 

This thing that happened is that one day, our neighbors started shoveling dog poop onto our driveway. I was so confused when I saw it happening. As the neighbors did what they did, they were laughing and making fun of the fact that we were Asian. That's what got me the most. How, I wondered, could an action that was causing me such pain, cause someone else to laugh? It was at that moment that I realized how ignorance can lead to behaviors that are cruel and damaging. 

As I saw this happening, and heard the laughing, I could feel this other thing happening within me. I liken it to how perhaps the tortoise felt when the hare was laughing at him and underestimating him. 

This thing that happened to me was this fierce determination that clicked on, deep within my entire being, to live a life where I would outpace and out-succeed the hare. 

Over the years, I have also learned that as important as it is to succeed, it's also important to try and eradicate ignorance through education and awareness so that cruelty can be prevented. Because the thing is, cruelty sometimes causes people not to become determined to succeed, but convinced to fail. 

Are you surprised by this post? I am. I didn't think I'd ever share that story. There are other stories that I could share about experiencing cruelty born out of ignorance. Can't promise if they'll ever come out on this blog ... we'll see. But regardless of the difficult stories we all live through, I still stand by the fact that we need to not allow those experiences to crush us. We need to use those experiences to help us become stronger, help us focus on the positive, become successful, and most importantly, to rise above.